It's No Longer Painfull

Just when I have convinced myself
that being nice to everyone doesn't
get me anywhere in life I am always
proven wrong.

THANK BOB.

Maybe two hours after I posted
the blog last night that boy called me.
He doesn't know about this blog.
It was just coincidence.

I did not intend on answering it,
but I was on the other line &&
hit some button on my phone.
When I heard his voice I was kind of
shocked. Not only because I wasn't
expecting it to be him on the phone,
but I expected him to be pissy as he
has been the entire week before.

"Can we talk?" he said.
I took a few seconds to answer, "About what?"
I know I did not sound very excited
to be having a discussion with him
whatsoever.

He was very calm.
He apologized about everything.
He was just trying to piss me off.

I knew.
I told him I knew
when he was doing it.

He knew I knew,
but he had to say it.

I told him I did understand why
he thought I was stalking him &&
why he would think I was trying to turn his
friends against him. I didn't try and tell him
otherwise when it was happening
because I didn't care.

He knows I know him better than he
gave me credit for.

I told him that I hadn't been completely
honest with him when I said nobody could really
hurt me, because he did.
However, I know I am a strong enough
person to where I can get over it.

I was getting over it.

We're not friends,
but we don't hate eachother.

All I wanted was this nice calm
talk a week ago when he went crazy on me.
It would have made it all so much easier.



I feel better now.

It's Painfull (pt.3)

I cannot believe what has happened
these past few days.

I was supposed to leave the
day I posted my last blog && move
to Atlanta.
Since I didn't have a clue as to
what the situation was with this
person I had become so close to
I put the trip off to wait until I
knew anything at all.

He texted me around six pm or so
to tell me he had slept all day.
I asked how he was & told him I
was freaking out over the move.
Then I asked if I could talk to him.
He went crazy on me.

He said he didn't want to talk about pointless
shit for no reason blah blah blah.
So I got pissed and we began
to fight through text messages.

He was being mean and nasty.
I told him that he was the only one of my
friends that didn't want to seem to be
there for me when I'm having a hard
time.

He told me to tell someone who cares.
I said he couldn't push me away just
because I was moving && I am the
last person he needs to say that kind
of bullshit to.

So he calls me.
I was quite calm.
He told me I had created this
situation in my head && I was
being too clingy.

Now that would have made since to me
had I been the one saying how much I
loved him && wanted to be with him,
but that was him saying it. Also,
I had barely talked to him all week
so I don't know where "clingy" came from.

We fought over the phone for
almost two hours. I told him all I
wanted was to ask him one question
&& go on with my life. I thought I
at least deserved that. He told me I
didn't.

As far as I was concerned I was done.
I called one person who I thought would
understand. She was pissed && told everyone
what he had done. The next day one of my good
friend said he talked to her online saying I talk
about people && can't be trusted.

I texted him && told him to leave my
friends alone. He said I was trying to turn his
friends against him so he was going
to play my games. I said I hadn't
done anything && I wasn't going to
so it was all on him.

He wouldn't stop texting me.
I refused to respond.
So he calls.
My friend answered because I refused
to talk to him. He said we better
watch out && blah blah blah.

I get online && talk to this girl
he is friends with. He had told me
a week or to before "This girl is so cool,
you should talk to her, she's tha shit."

Well I had started talking to her
a day or two before he flipped out on me.
She asked how close I was with him; I told her
we were very close until the previous day.
All I said was "He has problems. I thought
I could help him." Then I told her he got
scared because he let us get too close.

That's all I said.

He calls me that night.
I didn't answer.
He left a message telling me to
leave him alone and stop stalking him.
Leave him alone, don't start driving
by his house, don't call or text him
blah blah blah or he'll call the cops.

I had been online talking to that girl
maybe 10 minutes and never said
one negative thing about him.

Then I left && spent the entire day with
two of my friends almost two hours away
from where he lives.

He told that girl online that I was a crazy
psycho && I was stalking him.
He started telling everyone I was a stalker.
I refused to say anything.

I can't even wrap my head around
what it is exactly he is doing,
but I won't have any part of it.

He is crazy.
I could have understood
him thinking I was stalking him
online or something because I was
talking to that girl, but he even
told her that he never told me
she was cool...

What would that even matter?

I love how I am stalking him
while in the process of moving
eight hours away.




This is a mess.

It's Painfull (pt.2)

I have learned something very valuable
over the past week.

People have often come to me for advice
on many kinds of life situations, and I have
always though my advice was good.

It was missing something though.
Most specifically my relationship advice.
Never had it really occurred to me that when
a relationship is over it is best to talk about it.
Talk about what it is that makes you hurt, and
why it is you think you feel the way that you
do.

I suppose the reason it had never entered
my mind really before was because
the only thing even close to a relationship
I ever had ended with no a single person
for me to share my feelings with.
I was alone; I had to deal with it that way.

Granted I did always try not to completely
discourage people from speaking their feelings,
but I never encouraged it either.
If they wanted to get over it they should just
put it out of their head as best they can.

Yesterday was a hard day for me.
I can't really explain why. Nothing significant
happened whatsoever.
The only thing that calmed me was talking about
how I felt. I did feel somewhat bad because
I do not like to put my problems on others,
but it is so much better than keeping it in.

I still haven't a clue as to what I should do.
In the middle of the night I woke up having
panic attacks. Terrible thoughts of aging, death,
life falling apart.

I feel a little better now.
I only hope that I will stay that way.



I need strength.

It's Painfull.

I am one of those people that goes around
talking about how love is "not my thing," and
how I don't "do relationships."

Everyone tells me that I do it because I
am afraid of rejection. I can not say
that it's entirely untrue, but at the same time
that's not how I see it.

I think of it like this:
If the stove top is turned on
I know that if I touch it I will have
an unpleasant feeling.
Why would I consciously allow myself
to do something I know will
end in something I do not want
when I can keeps myself from doing so.

I have always known that love is not something you go looking for.
If you go looking for it then you put yourself in a state
of desperation in which any person you meet is a potential "love of your life."

Now, just because you don't go looking for it does not mean
that there still won't be failures.
As with the hot stove, accidents can always happen.
All relationships aren't going to work.

Every time you give your heart to a person
it is going to be painful when something goes wrong.
You should never regret it though.
Never regret anything you wanted at the time.

After a relationship ends people often think, "Oh I just wasted so much of my life on them
for nothing. I may as well have never even met them."

If you had fun while you were together
and enjoyed the time you spent with each other
then that part of your life was not wasted.
You were happy.

My heart hurts inside.
It is an actual physical pain.
I can not eat,
I can not sleep,
I can barely even function.

Never did I expect to be here.
Especially now.

My heart was not even opened up.
Somehow they found the key and ran right in.
Telling me how much they love me,
how badly they want to change to be with me.
All just to take it back.

I have loved this person for quite sometime,
but even though I knew there was a possibility for
something more I never intended to pursue it.

The way they looked at me the very first time they said, "I really do love you,"
was the happiest look I had ever seen on their face.
They were so excited to tell me, and to be with me.
I fell hard and fast.
We were spent almost every waking moment together.

Now it is as though they never said it.
What really gets me is that it happened overnight.
One day, "I really do love you. I'm being serious."
The next day, "I don't do that 'love' bullshit. I'm not a relationship person."

I know that is not true.
We have been close for a while.
We have had these talks.
They very specifically said to me, "I always say how I don't do love, and I don't
want a relationship, but I really do. I think it would be nice. I get lonely sometimes."

If you have read my past blogs then you already know
I have never had sex with anyone ever.
Until now.

May 12, 2009.
I honestly have never had a desire
for losing my virginity. That's why I had never done it.
I do not regret it because I do care very strongly
for this boy.








It hurts inside so very badly.

It Makes my Heart Hurt.

I am not a serious relationship kind of person.

That phrase by itself always gives people
the idea that I am some sort of slut.
Let's clarify.
I am a 21 year old gay boy
&&
I have never had sex, period.

I'm not fat,
I'm not unattractive,
I have just never wanted to.
People have a tendency to throw themselves at me.
All I need is a good kisser
and I'm set.

I've come close enough to being hurt that I don't feel as though
I need to put myself in that sort of position at this point in my
life when I am trying to accomplish so much.

It is completely a personal thing.
I'm one of the most open minded people you will ever meet,
&& even though I don't desire to be in a committed relationship
I do not discourage them for other people.

Lately, I have had a lot of depressed people to be there for.
I am always the strong friend that everyone goes to.

My sister was dumped by her boyfriend less than a month
after he came home from being in Iraq for seven months.
He was her first serious relationship, and the boy she lost
her virginity to. It's been difficult for her. I try not to be mean
when I say things to her, but at the same time she is not the kind
of person that you want to sugar-coat things to. She won't even hear
them then. She's already made a fool of herself showing up at his
apartment crying && begging for him to take her back.
**Odd fact; he is 23 and was married when they started dating.
** Her argument, "But they were separated."

Ironically, the boy she dated before this last one is still friend with us
and just recently told us he was gay (as though we could not tell?).
He was dumped by his first boyfriend less than a month ago. It was
his very first serious relationship as well. It has been especially hard for him
because he has only just become comfortable with his sexuality.
I told him he still has a lot to learn about gay men, there is a reason
for stereotypes. I mean no offense by it, but it is true.

I have recently become close with a boy I have known for a few years now.
He is one of the most interesting people I know && I love to just be around him.
His life has been difficult for him because he has never been able to rely on
his family for anything other than a place to live. He's older than me by one day,
but he lives in a tiny town and has a very difficult time finding work. I'm the type
of person that wants to help everyone in any way I can, but I feel bad because
there is only so much I can do. I can't get him a job, or just give him a car, and right
now I can't afford to live alone and have him come stay with me. He does try, but,
like so many, he loses hope easily.

All three of them have called me crying in the past two weeks. Two of them have more than once.

I have been all over the city, and surrounding cities, doing anything I can think of to keep
their spirits up. I have even spend several days all over the city of New Orleans
helping one of them get things together.

One would think that dealing with the three of them, two being depressed because
of relationship problems, would make me even more against relationships.

Sadly, all I can think about is how
I seem to be developing stonger
feelings for the second boy.

He has basically thrown himself at me
several times, but I never act interested
because I am afraid of what might happen.

Not only to me, but to him.
I'm moving 8 hours a way in just a month,
&& I can't just bring him with me.
Also, I know he is not as strong as me.
If something were to happen I'm scared that it wouldn't
only make me sad, but it may devastate him.
He's never had a boyfriend in his life,
but even straight guys say he's hot.

All I want to do
is call him && see him.
=/