Thursday, January 29, 2009

This boy is getting old...

I randomly decided to text this boy ok... I tell him, "Well, gee... You're sure doing good on this whole 'I'm going to talk to you more' thing."

He says in response, "Yeah, sorry."


So I'm just like, whatever.
I'm over it.

Sometimes I'll put in more effort on my side just for the whole starting of the friendship process,
but after that, I'm not putting in everything I've got after a certain point.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Back to this boy.

So, this boy I wrote about in the first two blogs... I haven't talked to him in some time now; since I wrote the second blog in fact. It's rather confusing to me because I don't necessarily know that I am really bothered by it. Now, I am somewhat bothered at the sheer fact that he was so adamant about: me going places with him, doing things with him, everything outside of visiting his girlfriend (which was understandable lol), and now it's as though I am nothing.

With ever bit of honesty in me, I never wanted to, or even intended to date this boy. I did, however, want to be better friends with him. He's not the type (majority of the time) you just click with the first time you meet them. For the average person he is fairly withholding of himself, but once he opens up he can be alot of fun. I don't like to deal with those 'wishy-washy' type people though, and he was very much one of those.

In all my life, as short as it may yet be, I have yet to discover why people act differently around different people. The obvious answer is because they either want to please them with the way they act or they don't want them to disaprove of the way they would normally act. To me that is one of the most insulting and demeaning things a person can do to theirself. No person should ever be someone that they are not just because of someone else. No matter the situation.

This boy... He, very obviously, has trust issues. It makes everything all the more difficult because I can't find out why he has trust issues if he has issues with trusting me enough to tell me why he has issues with trusting people. Confusing enough for you? Haha.

I dunno. Life is happening for me. I may not know what to do with my life, but I'm not going to waste all my time worrying about him. You may be thinking that by writting these blogs I'm showing that there is something there. That I do, in fact, have some sort of deeper feelings for this boy, but I really don't. I have thoughts like these about many people, many boys I've been with. I just choose to share the thought and stories of this particular boy with you. You don't have to believe me, and i won't try and make you.

Monday, January 12, 2009

If She Only Knew.

I met up with him and a friend of ours for dinner last night. A friend who knows just as well as I do that he's not very into girls, but she is all for him dating this girl. I really do believe it's because she still has a crush on him herself and thinks that by him dating a girl it proves that he's not gay and she somehow has a chance. Right.


Halfway through dinner he turned to me, "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Well, I have to help my parents move some, but it shouldn't take all day, why?" He proceeded to inform me that his girlfriend is coming into town (she lives an hour or so away) and wants me to go shopping with them. It still amazes me how this girl I've barely met twice loves me so much. I suppose it shouldn't suprise me, she seems very sweet, but she is dating a gay boy after all. A gay boy that told me how badly he wanted me only three days before he asked her out. What a strange way for things to work out wouldn't you say?



I wish we were better friends than we are now. I feel as though he needs someone to talk to about life. He's a gay boy dating a straight girl who has a terrible case of puppy love. Trust me, except for the puppy love part, I've been there. You seem to think you can change how you are just because you don't want to be that way. When I think back on it I've known I liked boys for as long as I can remember, I just didn't realize it. Of course, it didn't help that my parents sent me to a private christian school for so long. I began to hate myself for how I was. It is true that I was a very happy child, but every time I would have a thought about a boy, or hear them say things about how being gay is such a sin, I would always think about what a terrible person I was, and how GOD must hate me so much.



A good friend of mine just recently divorced her husband because she realized she was a lesbian. We've never talked in depth about the entire thing, but she always mentions how her parents disowned her for so long after she told them why she was divorcing the man she had been married to since highschool. So many people have that fear that their parents will hate them forever because they are gay. It is sometimes suprising which ones are more excepting than others, even their children sometimes don't know how they will react after growing up their whole lives with them. The friend I just mentioned says her parents are only somewhat religious. Another friend of mine, who I've known since the second grade, just recently came out to his family. His dad is a pentecostal preacher and they live behind a church. His mother didn't care whatsoever and told him she had known for years, but his dad, although excepting, wasn't exactly elated with the idea. At one time he even performed an exercisem(sp) on him, which didn't work of course. So now he just lets him be.


Anyway, back to the original subject: this boy. Even if it's not me that he wants, the better his life will be when he realizes and comes to terms with the fact that he likes boys. Of course he and his girlfriend have discussed how he's "just bi," but for those of us that have been there that only proves it even more. There are very few just bi people in the world. I do, for whatever reason, have a strange like for his girlfriend. It's really more her I'm worried about than him. Even though they have only been dating a little over five months she clames she's in love with him. When he finally does realize he can not change who he is one of two things will happen: he will stay with her and run around with boys behind her back, or he will leave her and she will be devistated. I wish I knew how to help them both, but it's not my place.





What to do...?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

That Boy.

As I sat there staring at him, my leg resting softly against his, I couldn't help but ask myself if he still wanted me as much as I still wanted him. My mind was stuck on the image of the two of us lying next to one another barely sober and barely clothed; just wanting each other. When I think back on how it all came to be it just seems so unlikely that we should even be friends. So many things had kept this boy in my life in so many different ways. We had barely known eachother for the better part of three years.

Now, so close; but at the same time so far away. Just beyond reach.
There were obsticles now, people that could get hurt.
He has a girlfriend.
A girlfriend he started dating two days after lying beside me telling me how he wants me.
Do I want to be that person? Do I want to destroy what she has because I want him?

What was only a few short months ago seemed as though it had been years. So goes the story of my life. The story of that boy.


I remember that night almost as though I have just woken up from it. There he was, lying there in my bed. His body was so firm, so sexy. I looked around the room making sure everyone had gone. The party had been over for almost a hour now, of course they had all gone. Slowly I crawled over him and slid underneath the covers. He turned to face me, but we couldn't look at eachother. Were we that nervous? I gently ran my hand up his thigh and around to the small of his back. Our eyes met and I pulled his body close as we began to kiss. His lips were soft against mine, and his toungue seemed almost timid to meet mine. I moved my lips slowely down his chin and neck onto his chest. As he rolled onto his back I guided my hand down his stomach and pulled off his green boxer-briefs. He bit his lip and moaned as I held him tightly in my hand and bit his neck. I threw my clothes off and jumped ontop of him. Our bodies rubbed against one another and we both lost our breath. He pulled me in so close I felt as though I wouldn't be able to breath again. I felt his fingernails running up my back as we kissed and chills shot through my entire body. He wrapped his legs around me and bit my lip as I sat up. Slowely I went inside him. Again, carefully. We kept our eyes locked. I kissed him softly. We continued for what seemed like hours. Both of us, our first time with another person. We went to sleep holding eachother close, and looking into one anothers eyes.