God Hates Fags

Blah blah blah, we know.

It quite clearly spells it out in that well known 6th chapter of 1st Corinthians.
The one everyone throws at you.
They should keep reading.

1 Corinthians 6:8-10

⁸Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.

⁹Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders ¹⁰nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but the bible clearly puts homosexuality

on the same level as people that cheat on their spouses, become alcoholics,

talk shit about others, become alcoholics, thieves, and sluts in just these two

verses from this holy scripture alone.

They also like to throw this one at you:

Leviticus 20:13

¹³ " 'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

Genesis 20:16-18

¹⁶ To Sarah he said, "I am giving your brother a thousand shekels ^a]">[a] of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."

¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife and his slave girls so they could have children again, ¹⁸ for the LORD had closed up every womb in Abimelech's household because of Abraham's wife Sarah.

Well, I sure am glad God healed Abraham's slave girls.

1 Corinthians 14:34

³⁴women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.

1 Timothy 2:11-12

¹¹A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. ¹²I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.

Golly gee!

The bible is not very fair to women now is it?

Leviticus 7:22-23

²²And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

²³Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Ye shall eat no manner of fat, of ox, or of sheep, or of goat.

Eating fat is a sin too, all you steak and bacon lovers.

Leviticus 19:27

²⁷ " 'Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.

I guess sideburns are supposed to be in forever...

It is really sad to me how many people don't actually read the Bible.

So many Christians have only ever read what they have been told to, and only know

what they have been taught.

For people who know little to nothing about the religion, reading the Bible

would scare them away for sure.

Not only is the book a crazy mess of thousands of stories written by hundreds

of people over years and years, but it has also been twisted by so many

religious fundamentalists to mean what it is they want it to mean.

Much like what was done by those who originally wrote it.

Confrontation && Discrimination

I have never been one for any form of confrontation myself.
People often have rude or nasty things to say to me because
of my look. Usually I just kill them with kindness because that
is the very last thing they would expect.

Majority of the people I meet that are so quick to judge me and
become rude with me end up learning a lot and really enjoying our having met.

There is such a fine line between standing up for one's self and just
being confrontational for confrontations sake when it comes to the rights of minorities.

So often minorities feel as though they are being discriminated against
over the slightest remark. "That's so Gay." "What's up my nigga?"
Blah blah blah.

It get's so very ridiculous sometimes.

It's No Longer Painfull

Just when I have convinced myself
that being nice to everyone doesn't
get me anywhere in life I am always
proven wrong.

THANK BOB.

Maybe two hours after I posted
the blog last night that boy called me.
He doesn't know about this blog.
It was just coincidence.

I did not intend on answering it,
but I was on the other line &&
hit some button on my phone.
When I heard his voice I was kind of
shocked. Not only because I wasn't
expecting it to be him on the phone,
but I expected him to be pissy as he
has been the entire week before.

"Can we talk?" he said.
I took a few seconds to answer, "About what?"
I know I did not sound very excited
to be having a discussion with him
whatsoever.

He was very calm.
He apologized about everything.
He was just trying to piss me off.

I knew.
I told him I knew
when he was doing it.

He knew I knew,
but he had to say it.

I told him I did understand why
he thought I was stalking him &&
why he would think I was trying to turn his
friends against him. I didn't try and tell him
otherwise when it was happening
because I didn't care.

He knows I know him better than he
gave me credit for.

I told him that I hadn't been completely
honest with him when I said nobody could really
hurt me, because he did.
However, I know I am a strong enough
person to where I can get over it.

I was getting over it.

We're not friends,
but we don't hate eachother.

All I wanted was this nice calm
talk a week ago when he went crazy on me.
It would have made it all so much easier.



I feel better now.

It's Painfull (pt.3)

I cannot believe what has happened
these past few days.

I was supposed to leave the
day I posted my last blog && move
to Atlanta.
Since I didn't have a clue as to
what the situation was with this
person I had become so close to
I put the trip off to wait until I
knew anything at all.

He texted me around six pm or so
to tell me he had slept all day.
I asked how he was & told him I
was freaking out over the move.
Then I asked if I could talk to him.
He went crazy on me.

He said he didn't want to talk about pointless
shit for no reason blah blah blah.
So I got pissed and we began
to fight through text messages.

He was being mean and nasty.
I told him that he was the only one of my
friends that didn't want to seem to be
there for me when I'm having a hard
time.

He told me to tell someone who cares.
I said he couldn't push me away just
because I was moving && I am the
last person he needs to say that kind
of bullshit to.

So he calls me.
I was quite calm.
He told me I had created this
situation in my head && I was
being too clingy.

Now that would have made since to me
had I been the one saying how much I
loved him && wanted to be with him,
but that was him saying it. Also,
I had barely talked to him all week
so I don't know where "clingy" came from.

We fought over the phone for
almost two hours. I told him all I
wanted was to ask him one question
&& go on with my life. I thought I
at least deserved that. He told me I
didn't.

As far as I was concerned I was done.
I called one person who I thought would
understand. She was pissed && told everyone
what he had done. The next day one of my good
friend said he talked to her online saying I talk
about people && can't be trusted.

I texted him && told him to leave my
friends alone. He said I was trying to turn his
friends against him so he was going
to play my games. I said I hadn't
done anything && I wasn't going to
so it was all on him.

He wouldn't stop texting me.
I refused to respond.
So he calls.
My friend answered because I refused
to talk to him. He said we better
watch out && blah blah blah.

I get online && talk to this girl
he is friends with. He had told me
a week or to before "This girl is so cool,
you should talk to her, she's tha shit."

Well I had started talking to her
a day or two before he flipped out on me.
She asked how close I was with him; I told her
we were very close until the previous day.
All I said was "He has problems. I thought
I could help him." Then I told her he got
scared because he let us get too close.

That's all I said.

He calls me that night.
I didn't answer.
He left a message telling me to
leave him alone and stop stalking him.
Leave him alone, don't start driving
by his house, don't call or text him
blah blah blah or he'll call the cops.

I had been online talking to that girl
maybe 10 minutes and never said
one negative thing about him.

Then I left && spent the entire day with
two of my friends almost two hours away
from where he lives.

He told that girl online that I was a crazy
psycho && I was stalking him.
He started telling everyone I was a stalker.
I refused to say anything.

I can't even wrap my head around
what it is exactly he is doing,
but I won't have any part of it.

He is crazy.
I could have understood
him thinking I was stalking him
online or something because I was
talking to that girl, but he even
told her that he never told me
she was cool...

What would that even matter?

I love how I am stalking him
while in the process of moving
eight hours away.




This is a mess.

It's Painfull (pt.2)

I have learned something very valuable
over the past week.

People have often come to me for advice
on many kinds of life situations, and I have
always though my advice was good.

It was missing something though.
Most specifically my relationship advice.
Never had it really occurred to me that when
a relationship is over it is best to talk about it.
Talk about what it is that makes you hurt, and
why it is you think you feel the way that you
do.

I suppose the reason it had never entered
my mind really before was because
the only thing even close to a relationship
I ever had ended with no a single person
for me to share my feelings with.
I was alone; I had to deal with it that way.

Granted I did always try not to completely
discourage people from speaking their feelings,
but I never encouraged it either.
If they wanted to get over it they should just
put it out of their head as best they can.

Yesterday was a hard day for me.
I can't really explain why. Nothing significant
happened whatsoever.
The only thing that calmed me was talking about
how I felt. I did feel somewhat bad because
I do not like to put my problems on others,
but it is so much better than keeping it in.

I still haven't a clue as to what I should do.
In the middle of the night I woke up having
panic attacks. Terrible thoughts of aging, death,
life falling apart.

I feel a little better now.
I only hope that I will stay that way.



I need strength.

It's Painfull.

I am one of those people that goes around
talking about how love is "not my thing," and
how I don't "do relationships."

Everyone tells me that I do it because I
am afraid of rejection. I can not say
that it's entirely untrue, but at the same time
that's not how I see it.

I think of it like this:
If the stove top is turned on
I know that if I touch it I will have
an unpleasant feeling.
Why would I consciously allow myself
to do something I know will
end in something I do not want
when I can keeps myself from doing so.

I have always known that love is not something you go looking for.
If you go looking for it then you put yourself in a state
of desperation in which any person you meet is a potential "love of your life."

Now, just because you don't go looking for it does not mean
that there still won't be failures.
As with the hot stove, accidents can always happen.
All relationships aren't going to work.

Every time you give your heart to a person
it is going to be painful when something goes wrong.
You should never regret it though.
Never regret anything you wanted at the time.

After a relationship ends people often think, "Oh I just wasted so much of my life on them
for nothing. I may as well have never even met them."

If you had fun while you were together
and enjoyed the time you spent with each other
then that part of your life was not wasted.
You were happy.

My heart hurts inside.
It is an actual physical pain.
I can not eat,
I can not sleep,
I can barely even function.

Never did I expect to be here.
Especially now.

My heart was not even opened up.
Somehow they found the key and ran right in.
Telling me how much they love me,
how badly they want to change to be with me.
All just to take it back.

I have loved this person for quite sometime,
but even though I knew there was a possibility for
something more I never intended to pursue it.

The way they looked at me the very first time they said, "I really do love you,"
was the happiest look I had ever seen on their face.
They were so excited to tell me, and to be with me.
I fell hard and fast.
We were spent almost every waking moment together.

Now it is as though they never said it.
What really gets me is that it happened overnight.
One day, "I really do love you. I'm being serious."
The next day, "I don't do that 'love' bullshit. I'm not a relationship person."

I know that is not true.
We have been close for a while.
We have had these talks.
They very specifically said to me, "I always say how I don't do love, and I don't
want a relationship, but I really do. I think it would be nice. I get lonely sometimes."

If you have read my past blogs then you already know
I have never had sex with anyone ever.
Until now.

May 12, 2009.
I honestly have never had a desire
for losing my virginity. That's why I had never done it.
I do not regret it because I do care very strongly
for this boy.








It hurts inside so very badly.

In Christianity You'll go to Hell if...

* eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
* cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
* grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
* wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19]
* read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
* consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
* cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
* trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
* are tatooed. [Lev. 19:28]
* plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
* bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
* collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
* insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
* mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
* spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1]
* drive a Mercury. [Ex. 23:13] (Look it up.)

www.holysmoke.org/hs00/to-hell!.htm

It Makes my Heart Hurt.

I am not a serious relationship kind of person.

That phrase by itself always gives people
the idea that I am some sort of slut.
Let's clarify.
I am a 21 year old gay boy
&&
I have never had sex, period.

I'm not fat,
I'm not unattractive,
I have just never wanted to.
People have a tendency to throw themselves at me.
All I need is a good kisser
and I'm set.

I've come close enough to being hurt that I don't feel as though
I need to put myself in that sort of position at this point in my
life when I am trying to accomplish so much.

It is completely a personal thing.
I'm one of the most open minded people you will ever meet,
&& even though I don't desire to be in a committed relationship
I do not discourage them for other people.

Lately, I have had a lot of depressed people to be there for.
I am always the strong friend that everyone goes to.

My sister was dumped by her boyfriend less than a month
after he came home from being in Iraq for seven months.
He was her first serious relationship, and the boy she lost
her virginity to. It's been difficult for her. I try not to be mean
when I say things to her, but at the same time she is not the kind
of person that you want to sugar-coat things to. She won't even hear
them then. She's already made a fool of herself showing up at his
apartment crying && begging for him to take her back.
**Odd fact; he is 23 and was married when they started dating.
** Her argument, "But they were separated."

Ironically, the boy she dated before this last one is still friend with us
and just recently told us he was gay (as though we could not tell?).
He was dumped by his first boyfriend less than a month ago. It was
his very first serious relationship as well. It has been especially hard for him
because he has only just become comfortable with his sexuality.
I told him he still has a lot to learn about gay men, there is a reason
for stereotypes. I mean no offense by it, but it is true.

I have recently become close with a boy I have known for a few years now.
He is one of the most interesting people I know && I love to just be around him.
His life has been difficult for him because he has never been able to rely on
his family for anything other than a place to live. He's older than me by one day,
but he lives in a tiny town and has a very difficult time finding work. I'm the type
of person that wants to help everyone in any way I can, but I feel bad because
there is only so much I can do. I can't get him a job, or just give him a car, and right
now I can't afford to live alone and have him come stay with me. He does try, but,
like so many, he loses hope easily.

All three of them have called me crying in the past two weeks. Two of them have more than once.

I have been all over the city, and surrounding cities, doing anything I can think of to keep
their spirits up. I have even spend several days all over the city of New Orleans
helping one of them get things together.

One would think that dealing with the three of them, two being depressed because
of relationship problems, would make me even more against relationships.

Sadly, all I can think about is how
I seem to be developing stonger
feelings for the second boy.

He has basically thrown himself at me
several times, but I never act interested
because I am afraid of what might happen.

Not only to me, but to him.
I'm moving 8 hours a way in just a month,
&& I can't just bring him with me.
Also, I know he is not as strong as me.
If something were to happen I'm scared that it wouldn't
only make me sad, but it may devastate him.
He's never had a boyfriend in his life,
but even straight guys say he's hot.

All I want to do
is call him && see him.
=/

This boy is getting old...

I randomly decided to text this boy ok... I tell him, "Well, gee... You're sure doing good on this whole 'I'm going to talk to you more' thing."

He says in response, "Yeah, sorry."


So I'm just like, whatever.
I'm over it.

Sometimes I'll put in more effort on my side just for the whole starting of the friendship process,
but after that, I'm not putting in everything I've got after a certain point.

Back to this boy.

So, this boy I wrote about in the first two blogs... I haven't talked to him in some time now; since I wrote the second blog in fact. It's rather confusing to me because I don't necessarily know that I am really bothered by it. Now, I am somewhat bothered at the sheer fact that he was so adamant about: me going places with him, doing things with him, everything outside of visiting his girlfriend (which was understandable lol), and now it's as though I am nothing.

With ever bit of honesty in me, I never wanted to, or even intended to date this boy. I did, however, want to be better friends with him. He's not the type (majority of the time) you just click with the first time you meet them. For the average person he is fairly withholding of himself, but once he opens up he can be alot of fun. I don't like to deal with those 'wishy-washy' type people though, and he was very much one of those.

In all my life, as short as it may yet be, I have yet to discover why people act differently around different people. The obvious answer is because they either want to please them with the way they act or they don't want them to disaprove of the way they would normally act. To me that is one of the most insulting and demeaning things a person can do to theirself. No person should ever be someone that they are not just because of someone else. No matter the situation.

This boy... He, very obviously, has trust issues. It makes everything all the more difficult because I can't find out why he has trust issues if he has issues with trusting me enough to tell me why he has issues with trusting people. Confusing enough for you? Haha.

I dunno. Life is happening for me. I may not know what to do with my life, but I'm not going to waste all my time worrying about him. You may be thinking that by writting these blogs I'm showing that there is something there. That I do, in fact, have some sort of deeper feelings for this boy, but I really don't. I have thoughts like these about many people, many boys I've been with. I just choose to share the thought and stories of this particular boy with you. You don't have to believe me, and i won't try and make you.

If She Only Knew.

I met up with him and a friend of ours for dinner last night. A friend who knows just as well as I do that he's not very into girls, but she is all for him dating this girl. I really do believe it's because she still has a crush on him herself and thinks that by him dating a girl it proves that he's not gay and she somehow has a chance. Right.


Halfway through dinner he turned to me, "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Well, I have to help my parents move some, but it shouldn't take all day, why?" He proceeded to inform me that his girlfriend is coming into town (she lives an hour or so away) and wants me to go shopping with them. It still amazes me how this girl I've barely met twice loves me so much. I suppose it shouldn't suprise me, she seems very sweet, but she is dating a gay boy after all. A gay boy that told me how badly he wanted me only three days before he asked her out. What a strange way for things to work out wouldn't you say?



I wish we were better friends than we are now. I feel as though he needs someone to talk to about life. He's a gay boy dating a straight girl who has a terrible case of puppy love. Trust me, except for the puppy love part, I've been there. You seem to think you can change how you are just because you don't want to be that way. When I think back on it I've known I liked boys for as long as I can remember, I just didn't realize it. Of course, it didn't help that my parents sent me to a private christian school for so long. I began to hate myself for how I was. It is true that I was a very happy child, but every time I would have a thought about a boy, or hear them say things about how being gay is such a sin, I would always think about what a terrible person I was, and how GOD must hate me so much.



A good friend of mine just recently divorced her husband because she realized she was a lesbian. We've never talked in depth about the entire thing, but she always mentions how her parents disowned her for so long after she told them why she was divorcing the man she had been married to since highschool. So many people have that fear that their parents will hate them forever because they are gay. It is sometimes suprising which ones are more excepting than others, even their children sometimes don't know how they will react after growing up their whole lives with them. The friend I just mentioned says her parents are only somewhat religious. Another friend of mine, who I've known since the second grade, just recently came out to his family. His dad is a pentecostal preacher and they live behind a church. His mother didn't care whatsoever and told him she had known for years, but his dad, although excepting, wasn't exactly elated with the idea. At one time he even performed an exercisem(sp) on him, which didn't work of course. So now he just lets him be.


Anyway, back to the original subject: this boy. Even if it's not me that he wants, the better his life will be when he realizes and comes to terms with the fact that he likes boys. Of course he and his girlfriend have discussed how he's "just bi," but for those of us that have been there that only proves it even more. There are very few just bi people in the world. I do, for whatever reason, have a strange like for his girlfriend. It's really more her I'm worried about than him. Even though they have only been dating a little over five months she clames she's in love with him. When he finally does realize he can not change who he is one of two things will happen: he will stay with her and run around with boys behind her back, or he will leave her and she will be devistated. I wish I knew how to help them both, but it's not my place.





What to do...?

That Boy.

As I sat there staring at him, my leg resting softly against his, I couldn't help but ask myself if he still wanted me as much as I still wanted him. My mind was stuck on the image of the two of us lying next to one another barely sober and barely clothed; just wanting each other. When I think back on how it all came to be it just seems so unlikely that we should even be friends. So many things had kept this boy in my life in so many different ways. We had barely known eachother for the better part of three years.

Now, so close; but at the same time so far away. Just beyond reach.
There were obsticles now, people that could get hurt.
He has a girlfriend.
A girlfriend he started dating two days after lying beside me telling me how he wants me.
Do I want to be that person? Do I want to destroy what she has because I want him?

What was only a few short months ago seemed as though it had been years. So goes the story of my life. The story of that boy.


I remember that night almost as though I have just woken up from it. There he was, lying there in my bed. His body was so firm, so sexy. I looked around the room making sure everyone had gone. The party had been over for almost a hour now, of course they had all gone. Slowly I crawled over him and slid underneath the covers. He turned to face me, but we couldn't look at eachother. Were we that nervous? I gently ran my hand up his thigh and around to the small of his back. Our eyes met and I pulled his body close as we began to kiss. His lips were soft against mine, and his toungue seemed almost timid to meet mine. I moved my lips slowely down his chin and neck onto his chest. As he rolled onto his back I guided my hand down his stomach and pulled off his green boxer-briefs. He bit his lip and moaned as I held him tightly in my hand and bit his neck. I threw my clothes off and jumped ontop of him. Our bodies rubbed against one another and we both lost our breath. He pulled me in so close I felt as though I wouldn't be able to breath again. I felt his fingernails running up my back as we kissed and chills shot through my entire body. He wrapped his legs around me and bit my lip as I sat up. Slowely I went inside him. Again, carefully. We kept our eyes locked. I kissed him softly. We continued for what seemed like hours. Both of us, our first time with another person. We went to sleep holding eachother close, and looking into one anothers eyes.