It's Painfull.

I am one of those people that goes around
talking about how love is "not my thing," and
how I don't "do relationships."

Everyone tells me that I do it because I
am afraid of rejection. I can not say
that it's entirely untrue, but at the same time
that's not how I see it.

I think of it like this:
If the stove top is turned on
I know that if I touch it I will have
an unpleasant feeling.
Why would I consciously allow myself
to do something I know will
end in something I do not want
when I can keeps myself from doing so.

I have always known that love is not something you go looking for.
If you go looking for it then you put yourself in a state
of desperation in which any person you meet is a potential "love of your life."

Now, just because you don't go looking for it does not mean
that there still won't be failures.
As with the hot stove, accidents can always happen.
All relationships aren't going to work.

Every time you give your heart to a person
it is going to be painful when something goes wrong.
You should never regret it though.
Never regret anything you wanted at the time.

After a relationship ends people often think, "Oh I just wasted so much of my life on them
for nothing. I may as well have never even met them."

If you had fun while you were together
and enjoyed the time you spent with each other
then that part of your life was not wasted.
You were happy.

My heart hurts inside.
It is an actual physical pain.
I can not eat,
I can not sleep,
I can barely even function.

Never did I expect to be here.
Especially now.

My heart was not even opened up.
Somehow they found the key and ran right in.
Telling me how much they love me,
how badly they want to change to be with me.
All just to take it back.

I have loved this person for quite sometime,
but even though I knew there was a possibility for
something more I never intended to pursue it.

The way they looked at me the very first time they said, "I really do love you,"
was the happiest look I had ever seen on their face.
They were so excited to tell me, and to be with me.
I fell hard and fast.
We were spent almost every waking moment together.

Now it is as though they never said it.
What really gets me is that it happened overnight.
One day, "I really do love you. I'm being serious."
The next day, "I don't do that 'love' bullshit. I'm not a relationship person."

I know that is not true.
We have been close for a while.
We have had these talks.
They very specifically said to me, "I always say how I don't do love, and I don't
want a relationship, but I really do. I think it would be nice. I get lonely sometimes."

If you have read my past blogs then you already know
I have never had sex with anyone ever.
Until now.

May 12, 2009.
I honestly have never had a desire
for losing my virginity. That's why I had never done it.
I do not regret it because I do care very strongly
for this boy.








It hurts inside so very badly.